What do you say to yourself when your favorite pair of jeans doesn’t fit anymore? Or when you were going to work out four days this week, but only made it to the gym once? What about when your co-worker gets the promotion that you’ve been waiting for? More often than not, we tend to criticize/shame/judge ourselves during these moments. We tell ourselves things like, “I’m so fat, no one will ever love me!” or “I’m so stupid, no wonder why my life is like this!” Or, “I can’t do anything right. I’m worthless!” When we don’t like what we see, we often make ourselves feel even worse by using negative self-talk (the language that we use when we speak to ourselves). Criticizing ourselves for not meeting our own standards is not a beneficial strategy for positive change. In fact, it will only make us feel worse about ourselves (see graph below).
Goal→ Mess Up→ Negative Self-Talk→ Feeling Worse About Yourself→ Self Sabotage→ Repeat
We are human and humans make mistakes (it’s inevitable) and that’s okay! Our lives are filled with daily stressors and hardships and the last thing that any one of us needs is to make ourselves our own worst enemy because we’re not reaching perfection (which by the way doesn’t exist). We all have something to work on and we’re all trying our best and it’s okay to remind yourself of that. If you are using negative self-talk, you have to Stop because this will not take you any closer to where you want to be (see graph above).
Instead try SELF-COMPASSION.
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes Self-Compassion as kindness towards self. To be warm and understanding toward ourselves even when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate. When we practice self-compassion, we understand that our worth is unconditional, no matter what mistake we make. We are allowed to love ourselves no matter what!
So let’s talk about how to practice Self-Compassion:
- Mindfulness: We need to be mindful of what’s going on in our minds and bodies, in the present moment. Pay attention to what comes up for you, without judging yourself. Just notice.
- Quiet the Inner Critic: This is the part of us that wants to judge, criticize and shame ourselves, as well as others. When we hear the inner critic rising, it’s okay to listen, but you don’t have to believe what it says. You can ask your inner critic why it’s choosing to talk this way (in a compassionate loving way) or chose not to listen to negative self critic.
- Change your Self-Talk: When you catch yourself using negative self-talk, change it. For example, instead of saying, “I am worthless. I can’t do anything right.” Change your self-talk to, “I made a mistake and that’s ok. I am still a valuable person.”
- Talk to yourself as you would a Small Child: When you catch yourself using negative-self talk, ask yourself if you would talk this way to a small child having the same experience (you can imagine a younger version of yourself). Most likely you will choose to speak with compassion to your younger self.
- Practice Self-Forgiveness: Stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. You will make mistakes and that’s okay (humans are imperfect). Focus instead on how you will grow from your mistakes and remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can.
- Practice Gratitude: Remember all of the great things about yourself, your life and your accomplishments. We often focus on the negative aspects of our lives/ourselves and actively practicing gratitude will help you switch that focus to the positives (which are always there, but sometimes difficult to acknowledge when our focus is often on what’s wrong or what’s missing).
Remember to make your mental health a priority. You don’t have to get through difficult times on your own. You can find me at www.wholeisticyou.com or reach me by email at hello@wholeisticyou.com